What is a good relationship?

What constitutes a good relationship? What can I rely on to say, “I truly have a good relationship with my husband or wife”? What criteria determine whether a relationship is the right fit for me personally? I lived my whole life without giving this much thought, trusting my own inner feelings. I could say, “This relationship is good,” or “That one isn’t so great”—and I applied the same judgment to other people’s relationships. Ultimately, however, it is all very subjective.

In this article, I propose viewing relationships as a multi-level system that determines their quality. I am focusing here primarily on male-female relationships rather than friendships or parent-child dynamics—though you could certainly try applying this framework to relationships in general.

What holds a relationship together?

What holds a relationship together—love, mutual respect, dependency, or money? Perhaps children? The future or the past? What is it? To me, relationships are always far more expansive—multi-storied, I’d say—than concepts like “love,” “passion,” or even “advantage.” For me, relationships have many layers, or—if you will—floors.

If we turn to Nancy McWilliams’s psychoanalytic classification of personality and apply her levels of personality organization to describe relationships, we can distinguish three levels. I refer to these as the “floors” of a relationship: the schizoid, the narcissistic, and the neurotic. Each floor governs specific functions within the relationship and determines the specific way the two individuals interact.

Schizoid type of relationships

The first floor is the schizoid one. It is about safety and trust. At this level, it is important for us to answer the following questions:

• How safe am I with this person?
• Can I trust him?
• Can I be trusted in this relationship?
• Do I trust myself in this relationship?

This concerns physical, emotional, and financial safety. Everyone has their own concept of safety. For one person, four people living in a one-room apartment feels comfortable—and therefore safe—whereas another person requires different living conditions. Relationships will struggle at this “schizoid” level because a compromise must be found. Do all couples manage to find that compromise?

It’s not just about emotional security; financial security plays a part, too. Does financial security exist in a relationship? For me personally, it’s also about reciprocity: I give and receive, and others give to me and receive from me.

Can a relationship exist without a sense of safety? Experience shows that it can. We also know how relationships without safety end.

Narcissistic relationship style

The second level is the narcissistic one. It’s about whether I can fully express myself in the relationship, and whether the other person is free to—for lack of a better word—show off or be a bit full of themselves around me. Can I be myself, and can the other person be exactly who they are? It’s a state where neither partner feels the urge to “fix” the other. It’s about a dynamic where shame isn’t the driving force governing the couple.

And most importantly: can we, as a couple, move forward and grow—building on our success while simultaneously fueling our narcissism? I know so many stories of women leaving truly wonderful, reliable, and good men. They leave for a single reason: she wants more, while he is already content. I also know of cases where women settle for less and stay with men who are perfectly happy just sitting on the couch. Presumably, there is something else in such couples that maintains the balance. But more on that later.

Neurotic relationship style

And then there is the third level—the neurotic one. This is about intimacy, emotions, genuine connection, and life within the couple. It is about long conversations and dialogue; about naming one’s own states and being accepted by the other in all one’s manifestations—and vice versa. If I flare up in anger, I am still loved. If he cries, I don’t feel the urge to look away. In this kind of relationship, feelings aren’t something to be swept under the rug. This is what people mean when they say a couple lives in perfect harmony—as if sharing a single soul.

When can a relationship be considered good?

Ideally, a relationship can be considered good when harmony reigns on every level. But if one of these figurative levels is missing—can a couple exist at all, and can a relationship truly exist between them? Is there any point in working on it? Or is it better to leave right away if one—or even two—levels are absent?

If you look at this three-story structure, it will appear different to everyone. For me, the third level—the neurotic one—comes first, followed by the second (narcissistic), and only then the first (focused on safety). If I cannot have a heart-to-heart conversation with someone, I will try to escape the relationship under any pretext. And if I have to shoulder the entire burden just to keep moving forward, the relationship risks becoming dead weight.

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Don’t listen to that inner voice telling you that you can figure everything out and handle it all on your own. If that were possible, you wouldn’t be interested in psychology.