Don’t kid yourself — about the desire to earn more

I was inspired to write this article about the desire to earn more by my work with a particular client. Session after session, she spoke passionately about how much she wanted to earn more money and live a good life. Yet, every time I asked questions, she was confronted with a reality that was impossible to ignore: just as had been the case throughout her life, things simply weren’t working out for her. Despite all her efforts, having ideas on how to make money, and understanding what was required, there were no results.

When I encounter a specific, recurring life pattern, it is important to identify the underlying idea about oneself that is blocking progress. It is crucial to understand—to put it bluntly—what benefit the person derives from this. My task as a therapist is to reveal the mechanism at play. In the case of the client I briefly mention here, I identified two reasons.

In this article, I will briefly outline my hypotheses. I discuss them in greater detail in my two videos. In each video, I explain the real reasons why we might not be getting what we want.

Don’t kid yourself—when we want money in order to appear…

“I don’t believe it”—that’s what I thought during every session with my client whenever she spoke about how much she wanted to earn money and be financially independent. She sounded convincing, yet deep down, I didn’t trust that conviction.

In this video, I explore why we sometimes deceive ourselves when dreaming of achievements. I examine the role played by the sub-personality that craves money and success. This usually stems from narcissistic trauma and an internal, false belief: that only a “successful self” can shield a “worthless self” from the terrible shame of simply not being good enough.

Don’t kid yourself—when we want money but fear judgment.

We may strive to live better, harboring a multitude of desires and ideas in our minds. Yet, no matter how wonderful things seem in our thoughts, the reality outside is a wind howling across a wasteland—meaning there is no money, no prosperous life. And this despite the fact that the way to earn them is so simple and clear.

Why might this happen? Therapy usually brings your underlying attitudes to light—specifically, your self-conception and how it was formed. If there are no false internal constructs at play, I focus on the feelings that arise regarding your successful self. That is where things can get interesting.

Do you happen to have any past experience where people whose opinions mattered to you—such as your parents or older relatives—judged anyone who lived well? If so, you likely fear being judged yourself should you become successful. After all, if a certain figure—a sub-personality—has taken up residence within you and is determined to avoid being the object of judgment, then money and prosperity will remain out of reach. So, to start, try digging around in your mind a bit and see if the story I shared in this video resonates with your own experience:

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About the Author

I am Natasha Kokhan, a Gestalt psychotherapist. I work online with Ukrainians and Russian-speaking expatriates in the UK, Europe, and other countries. I provide consultations in Ukrainian and Russian.

The primary focus of my work is relationships—with oneself, a partner, and money—as well as relationships within entrepreneurship, during crises, and in the context of emigration. I frequently address the following issues:

• constantly comparing oneself to others and envy;
• loss of a sense of stability and adulthood after moving;
• working below one’s qualification level and the desire to reclaim one’s own business;
• suppressed aggression, boundaries, the right to say “no”;
• Life after loss.

I myself have started from scratch twice: I built a business from the ground up in Ukraine after 2014, and I rebuilt my professional practice in England after earning a second degree and qualifying for a new profession at the age of 45. Do come along.