Men and Emotions

I spent over twenty-five years in a business where all the clients were men. For a long time, I thought I was selling music systems for our clients’ cars. I packed boxes of speakers and amplifiers and tuned digital audio processors, never realizing that what I was actually selling was something else entirely. I wasn’t a psychotherapist back then, but one day it dawned on me: the men weren’t buying music from us at all. Not cold hardware. Not brands or technical solutions. They were buying emotions—and we were selling them, often without even realizing it ourselves. Their favorite music brought them pleasure and joy, while a beautiful installation and high quality conferred status and sparked envy among their friends.

We are used to living in a society where a man is considered a cold and unemotional creature. In my favorite book about male psychology, Men on My Couch, the author says that at times she felt like she was dealing with emotionless pieces of wood or movie droids. But is this the truth that describes men as they really are?

Emotions a man should hide

I vividly remember the emotions that would involuntarily appear on our clients’ faces when they first heard the new audio system playing in their cars. They tried to hold back their emotions—and I saw that. But I also observed their body language, facial expressions, and hand movements—all of which betrayed their hidden feelings. No matter how hard they tried, I could still see just how much emotion men are capable of feeling—especially when they weren’t being watched by their partners, colleagues, bosses, or subordinates. The music helped touch that most tender, childlike part of them.

What compels men to hide their emotions—even from those closest to them? Who would fall apart, fly into a rage, or become disillusioned with them upon seeing the depth of emotion dwelling beneath the suits and the “steely muscles” they so stoically wear? Men wear masks, play roles, and fulfill obligations. There is much that men do—and must do. But above all, there are expectations placed upon them that they diligently meet; yet, what is the cost?

Men, Emotions, and Depression

Recent studies point to a form of male depression that often hides behind workaholism, alcohol use, and risky behavior. Men don’t cry—they work harder. They don’t rest—they drink more. Men don’t feel envy—they head for the mountains. Back in childhood, they were told what a boy must be like to grow into a “proper” man—the kind of man his mother would be proud of and his father wouldn’t be ashamed of. Eventually, the boy grows up, and to everyone else, he’s a success. But what lies beneath?

Reflecting on my entrepreneurial journey, other stories come to mind—stories of men literally exploding in our office. This happened especially when someone close to them—a wife, a subordinate, or a child—was nearby. It seemed as though the man had been bottling something up for a long time, holding it in with all his might, until that “something” finally burst out. And it was a spectacle—in the worst possible sense of the word. Everyone felt ashamed: the person who exploded, the participants, and the witnesses. Everyone felt the shame. Yet, only a few could sense the pain hidden beneath it.

A man who does not need to hide his feelings or pretend to be someone he is not has no reason to explode. A man who has someone with whom to share his doubts, shame, fear, and insecurities will not explode in the middle of an installation center. A man who does not carry the pain of rejection within himself for years is simply who he is—a living, multifaceted human being.

Is there no way out?

There is a way out. If someone once cast a spell on you—turning you into a tin soldier denied the chance for genuine human connection—then you need someone to break that spell. There are no wizards these days, but there are psychotherapists (not to be confused with psychologists; read about the difference here). A psychotherapist can help you sort things out, understand your emotions and feelings, and uncover the root causes of your aggression and your craving for alcohol when the silence sets in.

I recently came across a post on businessman Oskar Hartmann’s Instagram page stating that male entrepreneurs face particular challenges. The reason is simple: only another entrepreneur can truly understand an entrepreneur—and how many psychotherapists have extensive business experience under their belts? And I don’t mean experience as a top executive who manages operations without having built something of their own. How many psychotherapists have actually founded their own business—or even several? You have found a unique professional: I am a psychologist who knows firsthand what it means to shoulder responsibility and take risks. I have worked with men, I have built a business, and I am a psychotherapist who understands the inner workings of the human psyche.

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Come to me for therapy—I will help you reconnect with yourself and restore your bond with your emotions. I am well aware, however, that many men fear these emotions because they associate them with weakness. I like the words of the protagonist in the series *The Gentlemen*: “Don’t let others mistake your kindness for weakness.” Your emotions are your strength, and I know how to help you harness that.

Read my articles on male psychology:

• A man works a lot—why, and what can be done about it?
• The man who didn’t know what he wanted—when a wife sends her husband to a psychologist.
• Male psychology illustrated by a real-life example: a case study