Self-confidence and visibility
Self-confidence and visibility—why does it all start with relationships?
Picture someone who knows they are a skilled specialist, yet refuses to raise their rates. This could be anyone from a manicurist to an entrepreneur managing a team. Each is a true professional in their field, yet they struggle to increase their prices or publish that post that has been sitting in their drafts for a month. This is typically labeled as a lack of self-confidence. In an attempt to “boost” that confidence, they sign up for yet another training session or workshop and buy another course.
In therapy, I see something different. Insecurity almost never resides within a single person; it lives between people. Self-confidence, too, is regained through relationships—and with confidence comes an ease in expressing oneself.
Confidence is not a character trait.
We tend to think that confidence is something you either have or you don’t—as if a person is born either self-confident or not. In reality, however, confidence is a matter of experience; it is built from thousands of small situations where we revealed ourselves to others and were seen by them. For instance, a child might bring home a drawing and be told “Well done,” or “Don’t show off,” or “Petya’s is neater.” Sometimes, the drawing goes unnoticed altogether because the adults are simply too busy.
A person draws a conclusion from such scenes. Sometimes it is: “It is safe to show myself; I will be seen.” Sometimes it is the opposite: “If I am noticed, I will feel shame, pain, or loneliness.”
By adulthood, the original conclusion drawn back then has long been forgotten. What remains is that lump in the throat before a presentation—a sensation one would rather not face. Self-doubt is inextricably linked to feelings and attitudes toward oneself that are deeply unpleasant to experience. That is precisely why we shy away from putting ourselves out there: to avoid the physical stiffness, tension, nausea, and so on. Self-doubt arises through our interactions with others, yet connecting with others also fosters a connection with oneself.
You cannot simply train yourself to be confident in isolation. That is precisely why the longer you hide and avoid situations, the longer you remain insecure. But simply telling yourself—”Well, just start putting yourself out there, let others see you, practice”—isn’t enough. That’s not how it works.
What really lies behind the fear of putting yourself out there
When a client says, “I can’t put myself out there,” there is almost always another fear behind it—a fear of what will happen to their relationships if they actually manage to do so:
- Fear of rejection. If I show my work, they’ll say it’s weak. If I name a price, they’ll refuse. If I propose an idea, they’ll laugh.
- The fear of envy and of losing one’s own people. “Don’t stick your neck out.” “She’s gotten too big for her boots.” “She’s not like us anymore.” Success can feel like a betrayal of family, friends, and one’s own circle.
- The fear of being “too much”—too loud, too expensive, too noticeable. Many people learned from childhood that love is given to those who are convenient.
- Loyalty to one’s parents. Living a life that is easier and more prosperous than Mom and Dad’s can be unexpectedly difficult—as if it were forbidden.
Until these fears are named, a person struggles with “laziness” and “procrastination.” Yet it is not a matter of laziness. The issue is that putting oneself out there means risking intimacy. And how many of us are ready to take that risk?
What insecurity looks like in everyday life
It rarely sounds like “I’m not sure of myself.” More often, it looks like this:
- During negotiations, you lower the price before the other party has a chance to object.
- During a meeting, a colleague voices a thought that you had already worked out but hadn’t spoken aloud.
- In a relationship, you say, “I don’t care—you choose.” And then you stay angry for a week.
- A website, book, or project remains “almost ready” for months.
- You immediately explain away the praise—”I got lucky,” “it’s not hard,” “anyone could have done it.”
- After notable success comes a setback—illness, a missed deadline, or the urge to give it all up.
We never tell others that we lack self-confidence. We might even maintain a facade of feigned confidence—a sort of bravado. But our bodies, facial expressions, and behavior always give us away—even the tone of our voice. And we will always lose, because the insecure almost always end up on the bench. If that’s where you belong, then you don’t need my services.
Confidence, relationships, and success are interconnected in both directions.
- In a relationship: if you cannot say “no,” “I want this,” or “this doesn’t work for me” in a close relationship, it is difficult to do so at work as well. It is the same skill. The reverse can also happen: one partner begins to grow, earn more, and become more visible, while the other feels anxious. Consequently, the first partner unconsciously holds themselves back to preserve the relationship. There is more on this in the section on relationships and anxious attachment.
- When it comes to business and money, pricing is also a matter of relationships. Stating your price means allowing yourself to be seen as valuable in the eyes of another. I have been in business for over 25 years. I have seen strong entrepreneurs who drove hard bargains with suppliers yet couldn’t bring themselves to raise the price of their own work. The difference isn’t a matter of negotiation skills; it’s about the person involved. Men rarely come to me saying, “I lack confidence.” Instead, they say they are “stuck,” have “hit a ceiling,” or “don’t understand why I’m not growing.” In essence, it often amounts to the same thing. Read more on male psychology.
- In emigration. In a new country, the people who knew your worth disappear—clients, colleagues, and the reputation you spent years building. Your degree isn’t recognized. The language doesn’t yet feel like your own. You are the “new guy” all over again. Your confidence wavers—not because you’ve become less capable, but because the mirror that reflected who you were is gone. I wrote about this in my article on the loss of identity in emigration.
Booking a consultation with me is easier than you thought—just send a message on WhatsApp.
Book via WhatsAppHow Gestalt therapy addresses insecurity
I don’t teach people to “act confident.” Feigned confidence lasts only until the first major rejection. We look at exactly how you hold yourself back—at what moment, using what words, and what happens in your body. This act of stopping yourself is almost always automatic, but it can be noticed.
We look for the source of the voices speaking within us: “Don’t stick your neck out,” “Who needs you?”, “Get it perfect the first time.” Usually, these phrases have a specific author.
Therapy itself becomes a space for experimentation. In the relationship with the therapist, you can disagree. You can make a request. You can say, “I feel uncomfortable right now.” And you can see that the connection holds firm. For many, this is a first-time experience of this kind.
We carry this over into real life—into negotiations, relationships, the public eye, and conversations about money.
What changes in the end? It’s not bravado. You gain the ability to be visible and stay connected. To state your price without apologizing. To say no without lengthy explanations. To withstand others’ displeasure without falling apart.
Frequently Asked Questions About Confidence Therapy
Partly, yes. New experiences and supportive relationships change a lot. Therapy is needed when you already understand everything, yet the pattern keeps repeating itself over and over.
Training teaches new behaviors. Therapy seeks out what prevents you from acting in ways you already know how to. That is why the changes last longer.
It depends on the specific request. People often notice initial changes within the first few months of regular sessions. Deep-seated patterns require more time.
Yes. Sessions take place via video call, in Russian or Ukrainian. This is convenient for those living abroad.
Yes. Confidence in one area often coexists with uncertainty in another – in money, in a couple, in publicity. I work with this especially often.
Why I work with this topic
I am a Gestalt therapist. I work online in Russian and Ukrainian with Ukrainians and Russian-speaking expatriates. I also see clients in person in Oxford.
Before becoming a psychotherapist, I had a long career in the automotive business, working almost exclusively with male clients. I know firsthand what negotiations entail, the cost of making a mistake, and the weight of taking personal responsibility for decisions. I built a business from scratch twice—the second time while living abroad, in a new language, and in a new profession. I, too, had to learn how to put myself out there all over again. That is why I do not speak from a position of superiority; I am here to support you.
My videos on self-confidence and visibility
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