How to stop comparing yourself to others

Every time I talk to her, I feel shattered. She used to be my friend, but now… I boil with anger whenever she talks about her life, because it strikes me as insincere. I feel angry and even envious, yet I can’t quite understand why. After a long silence, the client says: “Perhaps at one point I was better than her—ahead of her, in a way—but now she’s catching up, or maybe even pulling ahead. And yet, I have nothing left to be better at.”

I sometimes hear this kind of story during sessions with female clients. They are usually accomplished, successful women who have everything and can do anything, yet they feel like losers. No matter what they achieve in their careers or other areas of life, they always seem to be lagging behind—as if there were a voice telling them that others are better, no matter what.

Psychologists call this phenomenon “social comparison.” The term was first introduced by American psychologist Leon Festinger in 1954. His theory posits that people evaluate their abilities, opinions, and achievements by comparing themselves to others, particularly when objective criteria are lacking. Unfortunately, social comparison can play a massive role in our lives, effectively ruling out the possibility of spontaneity and contentment. This is because comparing ourselves to others exposes us to concepts such as FOMO (fear of missing out), envy, perfectionism, contingent self-esteem (self-worth dependent on external metrics), and narcissistic vulnerability. All of this leads to a single outcome: profound self-doubt.

Reasons for comparing oneself to others

Typically, when we compare ourselves unfavorably to others, we experience intense anger. We literally want to destroy the object of our envy—psychologically, of course. Clients often ask themselves: “Why am I so triggered by what someone else has that I lack? Why am I angry? Why do I want to emotionally crush these people?”

Typically, the people we envy and compare ourselves to are capable of doing things we cannot. They are permitted to do what is forbidden to us. But who imposed these prohibitions? Who forbade us from having what we desire? Who forbade us from being free? If we perceive another person as free, our own lack of freedom becomes a painful thorn in our side. We inevitably want to curtail—or even destroy—that other person’s freedom. Simply trying to stop feeling envious or angry won’t work here; you cannot suppress these emotions, ignore them, or resolve the issue merely by cutting ties with the person who is the object of your envy and comparison.

The psychotherapist’s task is to help the client see exactly what protective function comparison serves—specifically, who was constantly making comparisons with others, why the other person did it, and why you need it now. At its core, comparison is an action, and we never do anything without a reason; everything has a goal and a purpose. If your mother used to compare you to her friends’ children, ask yourself—as an adult—why she did it and why you, as an adult, need it now. The answers may not be pleasant at first, but if you can see this process through (and I will help you do so), your life could change radically for the better.

Scientific research on social comparison

But it is not just a matter of comparing ourselves to real people we know personally; social media presents an even greater problem. A 2014 study found that the more frequently participants used Facebook, the lower their stable self-esteem was. A subsequent study found that the specific social network used—whether it is the more visual Instagram or the more text-based Facebook—makes no difference.

A study conducted in 2026 (a meta-analysis in *Frontiers in Psychology*, 2026) showed that social comparison is directly linked to negative emotions related to social evaluation, and subsequently to anxiety, depression, and reduced well-being and self-esteem.

“It is important for me to always come out on top”—that is what people prone to social comparison say. The moment such a person starts feeling they are losing out in a comparison with someone else, the thought arises: I need to do something—and fast! I need a better car, a better wardrobe; I need to spruce up my appearance; I need, need, need…

And then you feel disheartened and ask yourself: why do you keep competing? Yet there is no answer… There is only the sense that you are losing ground. But who are we really comparing ourselves to—others? Or perhaps, through whose eyes do we view ourselves and our lives? The roots, of course, go back to childhood. Our parents—Mom or Dad, or sometimes a beloved grandmother—almost always compared us to others. They wanted to make us better; they wished us well and wanted us to be happy. Often, they were completely unaware of the harm they were causing us.

How do you avoid comparing yourself to others?

This kind of “care” becomes a language of love—one we adopt as a foundation for our own lives and later apply to our own children. And so, we create a vicious cycle of comparison. We can discuss why parents compare their children to others another time (click the link). But for now, let’s look at how to stop comparing ourselves to others.

Studies have yielded interesting results. One study, “Mindfulness and Self-Compassion” (Mindfulness, 2024), showed that individuals with higher levels of mindfulness and self-compassion engage in social comparison less frequently—and when they do compare themselves, they perceive the outcome as more beneficial.

Another study showed that the skill of compassion works, but as a technique acquired through prolonged training.

Self-compassion can indeed significantly reduce the negative emotions—such as envy and anger—triggered by social comparison. However, what is even more important is understanding that when we compare ourselves to others, we are engaging in a defensive behavior that developed for a specific purpose. Put simply, when we compare ourselves to others—paradoxical as it may seem—we are protecting ourselves from something. Identifying exactly what we are protecting ourselves from is the task of psychotherapy.

Techniques for not comparing yourself to others

Another technique I have personally used for many years is turning envy into inspiration. Research distinguishes between benign envy—which motivates you to catch up—and malicious envy, which drives you to belittle the other person. Instead of devaluing someone who is more successful, ask yourself:

• What exactly did I see in this person, and what do I want for myself?
• Is this truly what I want, or is it just “what’s expected”?
• What one small step in this direction can I take?

The conclusion is clear: anger and envy certainly do not help us. These emotions drain our energy (recall the beginning of this article and how drained a person feels when experiencing envy). However, here is what will genuinely help you if you are prone to social comparison:

• Notice the moment of comparison. The very act of observing it reduces automaticity.
• Examine the introject. Whose voice is it that says, “You must be just as good as the others”?
• Bring your attention back to your own needs—focusing on what *you* want, rather than how you measure up against others. Examine the “storefront”: we tend to compare our own inner reality with someone else’s polished exterior. It helps to acknowledge what goes unseen in the lives of the people you compare yourself to.
• The focus is on connection rather than evaluation. In an experimental study, even people with social anxiety rated themselves more favorably in the presence of others than when alone. Real-life interaction acts as an antidote to mental comparisons.

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I won’t promise that you can stop comparing yourself to others. I haven’t stopped myself. But I have noticed a difference. It is one thing to gaze into someone else’s shop window and tear yourself apart; it is quite another to ask yourself exactly what you saw there—and whether you actually want it.

If you recognize yourself in this text—if, since moving, you find yourself increasingly measuring your life against the successes of others rather than your own desires—this is something that can be worked on. I work on this every week.

About the Author

I am Natasha Kokhan, a Gestalt psychotherapist. I work online with Ukrainians and Russian-speaking expatriates in the UK, Europe, and other countries. I provide consultations in Ukrainian and Russian.

The primary focus of my work is relationships—with oneself, a partner, and money—as well as relationships within entrepreneurship, during crises, and in the context of emigration. I frequently address the following issues:

• constantly comparing oneself to others and envy;
• loss of a sense of stability and adulthood after moving;
• working below one’s qualification level and the desire to reclaim one’s own business;
• suppressed aggression, boundaries, the right to say “no”;
• Life after loss.

I have started from scratch twice myself: building a business from the ground up in Ukraine after 2014, and rebuilding my professional practice in England after earning a second degree and qualifying for a new profession at the age of 45. Do come along.