Myths about personal boundaries
Myths about personal boundaries – isn’t it true that this is one of the most popular topics right now? You could even say trendy or fashionable. Virtually every psychologist talks about personal boundaries in their social media, in sessions with clients, and generally everywhere else they can.
The problem is that the topic of personal boundaries is often revealed one-sidedly. For example, when we imagine that personal boundaries are something static, unchangeable. As if it is worthwhile to once designate your personal boundaries in a relationship with someone and then simply use it for the rest of your life. But personal boundaries are a fence around your house (your essence or personality). Personal boundaries are a unique, exclusively your story about how close or far you can be with certain people, certain events, and so on. And this story can be revised by you, or life can develop in such a way that you have to change your personal boundaries.
To help you stay flexible with your own personal boundaries, let’s look at five myths (misconceptions) about personal boundaries.
Myth about personal boundaries #1- хорошие границы это жесткие границы.
Are good boundaries strict boundaries? At first glance, it seems so. I once thought so too. However, one day I faced the fact that my personal boundaries that I had built rebelled against me and no longer helped me build relationships with other people, but spoiled them. Why is that?
Sometimes it seems to us that a person with strict personal boundaries is very strong and courageous. But this is not so, because such rigidity is a manifestation of weakness, only turned inside out. Yes, often after many years of other people violating our boundaries, we begin to build them, and usually this is a rigid structure. But rigid boundaries are only temporary crutches, a way to get out of a situation of chronic violence, heal wounds and look around.
Healthy and mature boundaries are, first of all, flexible boundaries that allow their owner to remain friendly and open most of the time, but at the same time, when absolutely necessary, to defend himself from an aggressor with one or two lightning-fast and precise blows to the gut, which I call a polite rebuff.
The Myth of Personal Boundaries №2 – главное научиться говорить «нет».
Oh, that notorious “no.” In my opinion, it’s the hardest word people say out loud. The hardest. Many people go to psychotherapy for years just to finally learn to tell others – no, I don’t want to, or – no, I won’t do this. And the mistake many people make when they want to learn how to set personal boundaries is the idea that the skill of saying “no” is key. But it’s not.
Because with the ability to say “no” to others, you will have to learn to accept a refusal from another person on the one hand, and on the other – learn to politely and calmly explain to another person why “no”. That is, again – to show some flexibility and even intelligence.
And one more important thing here – whether you say “no” to someone or not, whether you break off a relationship with someone or not, remember that only you are responsible for the decisions you make.
The Myth of Personal Boundaries №3 – границы других людей это не ваша забота.
In our real life, boundary violations are almost never one-sided. If we haven’t known our own boundaries for a long time, we’ve probably been equally ignorant of other people’s boundaries. As a result, bilateral boundary violations often lead relationships to a dead end of conflict. The logic is simple: you dared to violate mine, I’ll violate yours even more in response, and so on – until someone explodes, and then – zeroing out and moving on to the next round.
So it’s important to know that when you’re protecting your personal boundaries, you need to consider other people’s boundaries – which means seeing and hearing the other. Respect for the other is an important skill here.
The Myth of Personal Boundaries №4 – окружающие должны чувствовать ваши границы.
Pure untruth. Childish story. No one will ever be able to guess your personal boundaries unless you say it and show it. It is your sole responsibility to define your personal boundaries.
A very common situation is when a person is unfairly oppressed for years by relatives, friends and colleagues – and he can do nothing about it. He gets upset, offended, snaps back (smartly – shows passive aggression), but this only makes the situation worse.
In essence, this person, without realizing it, shifted responsibility for his personal boundaries to those around him. He chose a tactic – not to tell people how he can and cannot be treated, and by default, people treat him the way that is most convenient for them. And when, after years of torment, this person suddenly discovers that he was the one who allowed and even provoked such behavior towards himself all this time, he finds himself in an absurd and annoying situation from the joke about the girl and the goldfish: “What, was it possible?”
The Myth of Personal Boundaries №5 – границы можно строить произвольно.
Isn’t it? Let’s figure it out! What does it mean – arbitrarily? It means that when you were setting your personal boundaries, you relied not on your needs, feelings, desires, but on some general rules or whatever.
Personal boundaries by their nature and functions are much more similar to living skin filled with nerve endings than to a wooden fence. Skin is a complex and sensitive organ, it cannot be “built”, it is impossible to arbitrarily decide where it should go – over the muscles or half a meter from the body. You can study it carefully and respectfully, find wounds and scratches on it and protect them from new traumatic effects. But attempts to draw boundaries in relationships at your own discretion, without relying on real needs, always crash against the complete unwillingness of others to play along with demands taken out of thin air. HOW LONG?
