“Men on My Couch” is a good book about male psychology.
Books on male psychology likely belong to a very rare genre. And, much to my regret, they are probably read primarily by women. That is precisely why I am so keen to popularize the subject of male psychology. I am convinced that, since men rule this world, it would be beneficial for their level of self-awareness and self-understanding to move away from zero rather than toward it.
I bought Brandy Engler’s book *Men on My Couch* by chance while visiting Vyzhnytsia for my work as a psychotherapist. I was simply surprised that a book on male psychology—one that was strictly practical rather than theoretical—even existed. Personally, I enjoy reading psychology books where authors describe real-life cases from their practice. *Men on My Couch* details seven case studies of men who sought psychotherapy. Each story is, in a sense, archetypal; they describe male experiences so familiar that I can confidently say any man would recognize himself in at least one of the stories in the book.
What do men look like in a psychotherapist’s office?
The author of the book *Men on My Couch* described her clients this way: “At times during sessions with men, I felt as though I were interacting with unfeeling blocks of wood, the dregs of humanity, or cinematic droids. Their faces held a frozen stillness, as if they had just stepped out of a taxidermist’s workshop. After such sessions, I would trudge home from the office, weary and defeated, wondering why I was even making the effort. But now I realize that it was precisely this group of patients who needed me most. It was my job to draw them out, to help them discover their feelings and talk to me about them, so that I could empathize with them.”
I see exactly the same pattern in my practice. Even if a male client happens to cry during a session, he finds it incredibly difficult to put a name to his feelings in that moment. His instinct is not to articulate his state of mind, but to conceal it. I believe that for a man, the mere fact of having sought out a psychotherapist is something best kept hidden. And yes, it is far easier for a man to buy a new sports car than to admit to another person that he is experiencing feelings that society deems weaknesses.
Key points from the book *Men on My Couch*
I certainly don’t want to spoil all the case studies here, but I do want to highlight the key takeaways to provide some guidance for men who are unsure whether to read the book or see a psychotherapist. Here is what the book describes in simple, clear language:
| On the surface | At a deeper level |
|---|---|
| “I need more women.” | “Without female attention, I don’t feel my own worth.” |
| “I only want sex.” | “I’m lonely, but I’m afraid to admit it.” |
| “I don’t want a wife.” | “When I’m with her, I’m afraid of failure and judgment.” |
| “Infidelity turns me on.” | “I am trying to control the trauma of betrayal.” |
| “I’m better off with pornography.” | “There, they won’t refuse me or judge my desires.” |
| “Women manipulate men.” | “I am afraid of my dependence on women’s love.” |
| “I have an excessively high libido.” | “Sex helps me not feel the emptiness for a little while.” |
And here are some more of my favorite moments from the book—ones I want to highlight separately to truly capture its mood:
- If we love each other, everything works out well on its own.
- Do you have any idea how many women want me? The answer was—not a single one.
- The death of sex in marriage is not merely a fear of death. It is a true death—the death of the spirit, the death of hope.
- After all, a relationship isn’t just about making sure your partner is constantly happy.
- Avoiding conversations about feelings can cause sex to become a repository for a man’s unexpressed emotions and unmet needs. As a result, he seeks masculinity through sex instead of bringing his masculinity into it.
- I liked that she was so aggressive. That was the first thing I liked about her personality. Why? It took the responsibility off my shoulders.
