Forbidden feelings: irritation, anger, rage and fury
Today I want to talk about forbidden feelings—irritation, anger, rage, and fury—which are still considered “forbidden” in our society. These are the feelings that people most often hide from both others and themselves: irritation, anger, rage, and fury.
These are all feelings from the same branch. They differ from each other only in their intensity.
Irritation is the mildest, and anger is the strongest, most destructive.
Why are we afraid of our own anger?
If we look at how we interact even with those closest to us—family, partners, children—we’ll notice that even where we could be honest, we often fail to express irritation or anger. Sometimes, we even fail to admit to ourselves, “I’m angry right now.”
The reasons for this almost always go back to childhood, when we were forbidden to be angry.
When parents or caregivers couldn’t handle our emotions, became frightened, devalued, or punished us for them, the child then draws the following conclusion:
Then the child concludes:
“Being angry is bad. If I’m angry, I’m bad.”
But anger is a basic emotion. It’s needed to defend boundaries, to stand up for oneself, to maintain energy and direction. It can’t be “turned off,” only hidden.
And this is where the problem begins.
What happens if you don’t process your anger?
When we don’t notice irritation, it doesn’t go away. It builds up. And if we don’t notice it and deal with it in time, the emotion eventually seeks an outlet. This usually happens in two ways:
Option 1: Explosion outward
At first, there’s a slight irritation. You don’t notice it.
Then comes anger. It’s still “ugly,” so we hide it.
Next comes anger, and finally, fury.
And now you are in a state of affect: you scream, stamp your feet, say things that you later regret.
Why?
Because you missed all the early signals.
They didn’t notice the irritation, didn’t give it a chance, didn’t express it in words or actions.
And now it breaks out, destroying everything around.
Option two: explosion inward
If you can’t be angry “outwardly,” anger turns inward.
The body takes on what the psyche could not bear.
This is how psychosomatic symptoms appear: headaches, tension, chronic fatigue, abdominal pain, sleep disturbances.
And then illnesses.
Suppressed anger is not just an emotion, it is energy with no outlet.
She will look for where to “explode” – if not outward, then within the body.
How to deal with anger in a healthy way
The most important thing is to notice irritation as early as possible. And don’t ignore it.
If you feel irritated, ask yourself:
“What’s making me angry right now? What’s wrong?”
For example: the children didn’t wash the dishes again.
You get irritated.
You can pretend that everything is fine and build up anger.
Or can you calmly say:
“Guys, please wash the dishes.”
If irritation is spoken out immediately, it is digested and goes away.
If you ignore it, it turns into anger, then into rage, and so on down the chain.
The main thing is not to jump over the first signals.
Irritation is an invitation to pay attention, not to feel ashamed of yourself.
Anger is not an enemy, but energy
When we begin to allow ourselves to notice anger,
we stop being afraid of our own emotions.
We begin to see that behind irritation there is often something important:
a violated boundary, fatigue, dissatisfaction, pain.
And then anger becomes a navigator, not a destroyer.
Instead of a conclusion
Anger is not what makes us “bad.”
She makes us alive.
If we learn to notice irritation, acknowledge anger, and give it a healthy outlet,
we will improve not only ourselves but also those around us.
Because being around a mature person who knows how to be angry is safe.
They won’t explode, they won’t suppress you, they won’t disappear.
They’ll simply say, “I’m not okay right now.”
And that’s maturity.
