Rediscovering oneself in emigration
Rediscovering yourself in emigration—or how to reclaim that lost sense of “this is me.” In the process of emigrating, it is rarely your language skills or your job that disappears first; rather, it is your sense of being the person you once were—the person who could confidently say to yourself and others, “Yes, this is me!” You may be functioning perfectly well, having managed all the practical aspects of life: you know how to rent a home and earn a living, you’ve enrolled your children in school, and you’ve built a social circle. Yet, deep down, you cannot answer a simple question: “Who am I now?”
This is neither a weakness nor a failure. It is a predictable psychological process with a clear structure. Understanding it is the first step toward rebuilding yourself, rather than simply waiting around for things to get better.
Why one loses a sense of self when living in emigration
Identity is sustained not only from within but also from the outside. Who you are is not just what you know about yourself; it is also what is reflected back to you by your profession, your role in your family, your circle of acquaintances, the city you live in, your language, and your status. These pillars function unobtrusively—as long as they remain in place.
When you emigrate, your foundations disappear all at once. It is not just one pillar that gives way, but several simultaneously: your profession, your status, your language, your familiar social circle—even the small, everyday details, such as where to buy bread or which bus to take home. The psyche cannot adapt gradually, as it might when dealing with a single loss; instead, it feels as though the ground has completely—not just partially—fallen away from beneath your feet.
Five signs that you have lost touch with yourself:
- You can’t answer what you want. Decisions are made out of necessity, not desire.
- You don’t recognize your former self. Looking at old photographs, you feel as though you’re seeing a stranger rather than yourself.
- You’re functioning, but you don’t feel like you’re truly living. Things are going according to plan, yet inside, it’s as if you’re on autopilot.
- Praise yourself only for the fact that you held on. Not for who you are, but for the fact that you didn’t break.
- There’s a pull backward—not toward a country, but toward a certain state of being. It’s not a literal desire to return to one’s past life, but rather a longing for a place where it was clear who you were.
What usually does NOT help:
“Learn the language and find a job — things will get easier.” Practical adaptation and psychological adaptation are two different processes. You can speak a new language fluently and have a job, yet still not feel like yourself. Language and work provide a function. Identity is NOT built out of functions.
“You just have to get used to it.” Getting used to something reduces anxiety, but it doesn’t bring back the sense of “this is ME.” Over time, the acute reaction fades—and it’s easy to get stuck in a state of “everything’s fine, but I’m not really living” if you don’t address your identity separately.
“Remember who you used to be, and go back to that.” Your former identity was built for a different context—a different city, different roles, different people around you. It doesn’t always translate literally to new circumstances. Trying to force yourself to return to your “former” self often ends in even greater disappointment—and even more anxiety.
Here is how a sense of self returns—I’ll walk you through four steps:
1. Define the loss precisely. Instead of saying “it’s hard for me,” identify exactly what has been lost—be it your professional status, the language in which you felt witty, or the circle of people who had known you for 20 years. Being specific restores a sense of control: you can work with something concrete, but you cannot work with a vague “everything is bad.”
2. Distinguish between “what once was” and “what you stand upon now.” There is no need to either destroy or revive your old identity—instead, you must grieve it. This means acknowledging that a part of you existed under conditions that no longer remain. Doing so frees up energy for what is happening in the present.
3. Seek out points of resonance within a new context. Rather than trying to recreate your former life, notice what resonates here and now, in this new environment—whether it be a new acquaintance, an activity, a place, or a habit. Identity is built from living, present-day material, not from a copy of the past.
4. Build yourself out of what you have now, rather than out of memories. A new identity is just as real as the old one, even if it appears more modest at the start. It is constructed from the decisions you make today, not from who you were in a different life.
As you read through these points, try to notice your feelings and your reactions to what you are reading. What triggers anger or disagreement? What evokes sadness? Write to me about it—I will help you work through these reactions.
Написать мне в WhatsAppWhen can you handle things on your own, and when should you turn to a specialist?
If the feeling of losing yourself persists for months rather than weeks, and is accompanied by constant anxiety, insomnia, or apathy, it may be time to seek help. If the primary experience is one of feeling down and losing interest in life, this could be “immigrant depression”—a condition with its own distinct progression. If, on the other hand, the prevailing sentiment is “I am a nobody here,” this leans more toward “imposter syndrome” in the context of emigration.
Frequently asked questions
It can take anywhere from a few months to a couple of years—and this depends not on willpower, but on how many pillars of support vanished all at once, and whether there is systemic support available in your new environment, such as therapy, a social circle, or language proficiency. It also matters what kind of psychological baggage you brought with you into emigration.
Loss of identity relates to the question “Who am I?”, while depression involves a decline in energy and a loss of interest in everything. Although they often go hand in hand, they require different approaches. Losing one’s sense of self can be a cause of a depressive state.
Identity can be restored in one’s native language—that is precisely why therapy in Ukrainian and Russian exists.
Start small. You need to identify a fact—not a feeling—regarding what exactly has changed over the past year. The feelings usually reveal themselves on their own after that.
Psychotherapist for Ukrainians – what I work with
Natasha Kokhan (Vasilenko) is a certified Gestalt psychotherapist. She works online with Ukrainians and Russian speakers living abroad, wherever they may be in the world. She is based in the UK. Consultations are available in Ukrainian and Russian.
When it comes to the theme of “rediscovering oneself while living abroad,” people most often reach out with the following:
- the feeling that you’re not living your own life after moving
- the inability to answer what you want when your familiar life has fallen apart
- the feeling that you are functioning, but not living
- the difficulty of connecting “the self there” and “the self here”
- anxiety and insomnia against the backdrop of an uncertain future
Book your first consultation
The first session lasts 60 minutes. This is not “lifelong” therapy; rather, it is an opportunity to calmly examine what is happening and determine exactly what to focus on moving forward.
Sometimes, all it takes to say “this is me” once again is a single conversation in which you are finally heard in your own language.