Self-love and discipline – are they the same thing?
Self-love and discipline seem to be mutually exclusive concepts, but maybe not? One of my YouTube subscribers asked – what kind of self-love is this, that everyone talks about it? At first I was indignant – well, of course, self-love is the basis, without it you can’t do anything. But then I decided to figure it out in detail – what is this self-love really like.
When I hear the phrase “self-love,” I immediately picture a person who pampers himself, takes care of himself, puts himself first, doesn’t stress, lives easily and happily. But this is not about love at all, it’s about permissiveness and self-indulgence.
Self-love is a deep, conscious practice of caring for yourself that goes far beyond superficial notions of self-indulgence or narcissism. It is an internal dialogue in which you become your own most trusted ally, rather than your own critic. Here are my key aspects:
- Acceptance of yourself “here and now”
This is the ability to see your imperfections, weaknesses, even shadows – and not hide them behind a mask of perfection. As in the Japanese art of “kintsugi”, where cracks in ceramics are decorated with gold: your scars, mistakes, oddities are part of a unique history, and not a reason for shame. Whatever I am now – I am good enough. Self-love in this case is the agreement that I am ok now, and what is not ok – I will improve or change if possible. - Emotional Ecology
Loving yourself means to stop “feeding” toxic relationships, situations or thoughts that drain you. It’s like cultivating an inner gardener who weeds out the weeds of self-flagellation and waters the sprouts of your talents and dreams. A good point is that we often focus on toxic relationships with other people, forgetting that we can often become the most toxic partner for ourselves, criticizing and devaluing. Self-love in this case is to shut the mouth of the inner critic. - Care as a ritual, not a feat
Not heroic one-time efforts (“I’ll start meditating on Monday!”), but small daily gestures: going to bed on time, saying “no” to what violates your boundaries, allowing yourself to be bored without feeling guilty. Agree that for us, going to a massage every week, for example, is a luxury or something that is definitely not a routine. It’s as if we give ourselves gifts for something when we take care of ourselves. Although, this should be the basis – taking care of the body, how we feel. Self-love in this case is allowing yourself to take care of yourself every day. - Dialogue with the inner child
Often we carry a wounded part inside us that still awaits approval and is afraid of condemnation. Self-love is to become that adult for that child who will protect him, hug him and say: “You are enough. You have the right to be.” Of course, raising that same adult is quite a task, but believe me – he is worth it. Because without this inner Adult, you will have to constantly look for someone who will allow you, approve and not condemn. In this case, self-love is being an adult.
Is discipline also self-love?
What about discipline? Because discipline is an important component if you are stuck at some point in your life. Can it be an element of self-love? Absolutely! Discipline, when it is born from care and not from self-criticism, becomes a powerful tool for self-love. It is like a bridge between “I want” and “I do” – not through violence, but through respect for your values. Here is how it works:
Discipline as a form of self-respect
- “I exercise not because I hate my body, but because I love it”
Regular exercise, avoiding nighttime overeating, getting up early — all these actions become acts of love when motivation shifts from fear (“I’m getting fat”) to care (“I’m giving my body energy”). - Discipline against impulses, not against yourself
For example, putting off scrolling social media in favor of reading a book is not a “punishment,” but a choice in favor of depth. It’s like fencing off a flower bed from being trampled: you’re protecting what you consider valuable. - Rituals as Anchors of Stability
Morning pages, journaling, meditation—repetitive practices create a structure in which inner peace grows. It’s like watering a plant every day: consistency breeds growth.
Where is the line between healthy discipline and self-abuse?
- Motivation: “I do this because I deserve better” vs. “I’m not worthy until I reach the ideal.” The first is discipline, the second is violence against oneself.
- Flexibility: Missed a day of training – showed compassion, not self-flagellation.
- Joy: Discipline “burns” from within when the action is in tune with your desires (you run because you like to feel the strength in your legs, and not because “you need to burn calories”).
It turns out that discipline, which for a long time I personally had only one association with – violence against oneself, from another angle turns out to be an important element of self-love. Real adult deep love. A little more about discipline in the context of self-love:
Video on my YouTube channel
1. Discipline as a language of self-trust
When you keep promises to yourself (“I’ll read 10 pages before bed,” “I won’t respond to work messages after 8 p.m.”), you teach your subconscious: “My words carry weight. I am a person who can be relied upon.” This is the foundation of self-respect.
To build this foundation of self-esteem, create a ritual – for example, you can do so-called “micro runs” – 3 days in a row to do a tiny action (for example, 5 minutes of stretching in the morning). The goal will not be the result, but to train the “muscle of trust” in yourself.
2. “Anti Discipline” – when the day becomes wisdom
True self-love knows when discipline becomes tyranny. Sometimes, “lying in your pajamas all day” is not a weakness, but an act of care: the nervous system needs a reboot.
The Japanese concept of karoshi (death by overwork) vs. the Danish hygge (cozy mindfulness in the little things). The balance between effort and acceptance is the pinnacle of self-trust and self-love.
4. Digital hygiene is a discipline of the 21st century
The most radical act of self-love today is to control the flow of information:
– Delete apps that make you feel “insufficient”;
– Set aside time “windows” without gadgets to hear your own thoughts.
Research shows that even 15 minutes of social media scrolling in the morning increases cortisol levels. Discipline here is literally brain protection.
5. Discipline against “spiritual materialism”
The fashion for self-development sometimes makes us force ourselves with practices: “I have to meditate for 2 hours, otherwise I’m a loser.” Self-love says: “Even 3 deep breaths are a victory. You are not an optimization project.”
Psychotherapist Natalie Lee Eich says, “Ask yourself: Are you doing this to avoid shame or to move toward joy?” And I absolutely agree – self-love is doing something not out of fear, shame or anxiety, but out of joy, curiosity, pleasure, respect.
