{"id":101167609,"date":"2026-09-21T11:23:32","date_gmt":"2026-09-21T09:23:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/natashakohan.com\/how-to-stop-comparing-yourself-to-others\/"},"modified":"2026-09-21T13:35:08","modified_gmt":"2026-09-21T11:35:08","slug":"how-to-stop-comparing-yourself-to-others","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/natashakohan.com\/en\/how-to-stop-comparing-yourself-to-others\/","title":{"rendered":"How to stop comparing yourself to others"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Every time I talk to her, I feel shattered. She used to be my friend, but now… I boil with anger whenever she talks about her life, because it strikes me as insincere. I feel angry and even envious, yet I can’t quite understand why. After a long silence, the client says: “Perhaps at one point I was better than her\u2014ahead of her, in a way\u2014but now she\u2019s catching up, or maybe even pulling ahead. And yet, I have nothing left to be better at.”<\/p>\n\n

I sometimes hear this kind of story during sessions with female clients. They are usually accomplished, successful women who have everything and can do anything, yet they feel like losers. No matter what they achieve in their careers or other areas of life, they always seem to be lagging behind\u2014as if there were a voice telling them that others are better, no matter what.<\/p>\n\n

Psychologists call this phenomenon “social comparison.” The term was first introduced by American psychologist Leon Festinger in 1954. His theory posits that people evaluate their abilities, opinions, and achievements by comparing themselves to others, particularly when objective criteria are lacking. Unfortunately, social comparison can play a massive role in our lives, effectively ruling out the possibility of spontaneity and contentment. This is because comparing ourselves to others exposes us to concepts such as FOMO (fear of missing out), envy, perfectionism, contingent self-esteem (self-worth dependent on external metrics), and narcissistic vulnerability. All of this leads to a single outcome: profound self-doubt.<\/p>\n\n

Reasons for comparing oneself to others<\/h2>\n\n

Typically, when we compare ourselves unfavorably to others, we experience intense anger. We literally want to destroy the object of our envy\u2014psychologically, of course. Clients often ask themselves: “Why am I so triggered by what someone else has that I lack? Why am I angry? Why do I want to emotionally crush these people?”<\/p>\n\n

Typically, the people we envy and compare ourselves to are capable of doing things we cannot. They are permitted to do what is forbidden to us. But who imposed these prohibitions? Who forbade us from having what we desire? Who forbade us from being free? If we perceive another person as free, our own lack of freedom becomes a painful thorn in our side. We inevitably want to curtail\u2014or even destroy\u2014that other person’s freedom. Simply trying to stop feeling envious or angry won’t work here; you cannot suppress these emotions, ignore them, or resolve the issue merely by cutting ties with the person who is the object of your envy and comparison.<\/p>\n\n

The psychotherapist\u2019s task is to help the client see exactly what protective function comparison serves\u2014specifically, who was constantly making comparisons with others, why the other person did it, and why you need it now. At its core, comparison is an action, and we never do anything without a reason; everything has a goal and a purpose. If your mother used to compare you to her friends’ children, ask yourself\u2014as an adult\u2014why she did it and why you, as an adult, need it now. The answers may not be pleasant at first, but if you can see this process through (and I will help you do so), your life could change radically for the better.<\/p>\n\n

Scientific research on social comparison<\/h2>\n\n

But it is not just a matter of comparing ourselves to real people we know personally; social media presents an even greater problem. A 2014 study found that the more frequently participants used Facebook, the lower their stable self-esteem was. A subsequent study found that the specific social network used\u2014whether it is the more visual Instagram or the more text-based Facebook\u2014makes no difference.<\/p>\n\n

A study conducted in 2026 (a meta-analysis in *Frontiers in Psychology*, 2026) showed that social comparison is directly linked to negative emotions related to social evaluation, and subsequently to anxiety, depression, and reduced well-being and self-esteem.<\/p>\n\n

“It is important for me to always come out on top”\u2014that is what people prone to social comparison say. The moment such a person starts feeling they are losing out in a comparison with someone else, the thought arises: I need to do something\u2014and fast! I need a better car, a better wardrobe; I need to spruce up my appearance; I need, need, need… <\/p>\n\n

And then you feel disheartened and ask yourself: why do you keep competing? Yet there is no answer… There is only the sense that you are losing ground. But who are we really comparing ourselves to\u2014others? Or perhaps, through whose eyes do we view ourselves and our lives? The roots, of course, go back to childhood. Our parents\u2014Mom or Dad, or sometimes a beloved grandmother\u2014almost always compared us to others. They wanted to make us better; they wished us well and wanted us to be happy. Often, they were completely unaware of the harm they were causing us. <\/p>\n\n

How do you avoid comparing yourself to others?<\/h2>\n\n

This kind of “care” becomes a language of love\u2014one we adopt as a foundation for our own lives and later apply to our own children. And so, we create a vicious cycle of comparison. We can discuss why parents compare their children to others another time (click the link). But for now, let\u2019s look at how to stop comparing ourselves to others.<\/p>\n\n

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Studies have yielded interesting results. One study, “Mindfulness and Self-Compassion” (Mindfulness, 2024), showed that individuals with higher levels of mindfulness and self-compassion engage in social comparison less frequently\u2014and when they do compare themselves, they perceive the outcome as more beneficial.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another study showed that the skill of compassion works, but as a technique acquired through prolonged training.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n

Self-compassion can indeed significantly reduce the negative emotions\u2014such as envy and anger\u2014triggered by social comparison. However, what is even more important is understanding that when we compare ourselves to others, we are engaging in a defensive behavior that developed for a specific purpose. Put simply, when we compare ourselves to others\u2014paradoxical as it may seem\u2014we are protecting ourselves from something. Identifying exactly what we are protecting ourselves from is the task of psychotherapy.<\/p>\n\n

Techniques for not comparing yourself to others<\/h3>\n\n

Another technique I have personally used for many years is turning envy into inspiration. Research distinguishes between benign envy\u2014which motivates you to catch up\u2014and malicious envy, which drives you to belittle the other person. Instead of devaluing someone who is more successful, ask yourself:<\/p>\n\n