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- You can’t answer what you want. Decisions are made out of necessity, not desire.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- You don\u2019t recognize your former self. Looking at old photographs, you feel as though you\u2019re seeing a stranger rather than yourself.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- You\u2019re functioning, but you don\u2019t feel like you\u2019re truly living. Things are going according to plan, yet inside, it\u2019s as if you\u2019re on autopilot.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Praise yourself only for the fact that you held on. Not for who you are, but for the fact that you didn\u2019t break.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- There\u2019s a pull backward\u2014not toward a country, but toward a certain state of being. It\u2019s not a literal desire to return to one\u2019s past life, but rather a longing for a place where it was clear who you were.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n<\/div>\n\n
What usually does NOT help:<\/h3>\n\n
“Learn the language and find a job \u2014 things will get easier.” Practical adaptation and psychological adaptation are two different processes. You can speak a new language fluently and have a job, yet still not feel like yourself. Language and work provide a function. Identity is NOT built out of functions.<\/p>\n\n
“You just have to get used to it.” Getting used to something reduces anxiety, but it doesn’t bring back the sense of “this is ME.” Over time, the acute reaction fades\u2014and it\u2019s easy to get stuck in a state of “everything\u2019s fine, but I\u2019m not really living” if you don\u2019t address your identity separately.<\/p>\n\n
“Remember who you used to be, and go back to that.” Your former identity was built for a different context\u2014a different city, different roles, different people around you. It doesn\u2019t always translate literally to new circumstances. Trying to force yourself to return to your “former” self often ends in even greater disappointment\u2014and even more anxiety.<\/p>\n
\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n \r\n![\"\u0414\u0438\u043b\u0435\u043c\u043c\u0430](\"https:\/\/natashakohan.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/11\/img_2170-340x238.jpg\")
<\/a>\r\n <\/div>\r\n \r\n The emigrant\u2019s dilemma: am I running away from problems, or am I moving toward a better life?<\/a>\r\n <\/div>\r\n\r\n\r\n <\/a>\r\n <\/div>\r\n <\/div>\r\n <\/div>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n \r\n![\"\u041f\u0441\u0438\u0445\u043e\u043b\u043e\u0433](\"https:\/\/natashakohan.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/sychologist-in-the-uk-340x238.jpg\")
<\/a>\r\n <\/div>\r\n \r\n A psychologist in the UK – Why is it so hard to take the first step?<\/a>\r\n <\/div>\r\n\r\n\r\n <\/a>\r\n <\/div>\r\n <\/div>\r\n <\/div>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n \r\n![\"\u0414\u0435\u043f\u0440\u0435\u0441\u0441\u0438\u044f](\"https:\/\/natashakohan.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/04\/depression-war-340x238.jpg\")
<\/a>\r\n <\/div>\r\n \r\n Depression in emigration – why it occurs and how to cope with itEmigrant depression – what to do?<\/a>\r\n <\/div>\r\n\r\n\r\n <\/a>\r\n <\/div>\r\n <\/div>\r\n <\/div>\r\n <\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n <\/div>\r\n <\/div>\r\n \n\nHere is how a sense of self returns\u2014I\u2019ll walk you through four steps:<\/h2>\n\n
1. Define the loss precisely. Instead of saying “it\u2019s hard for me,” identify exactly what has been lost\u2014be it your professional status, the language in which you felt witty, or the circle of people who had known you for 20 years. Being specific restores a sense of control: you can work with something concrete, but you cannot work with a vague “everything is bad.”<\/p>\n\n
2. Distinguish between “what once was” and “what you stand upon now.” There is no need to either destroy or revive your old identity\u2014instead, you must grieve it. This means acknowledging that a part of you existed under conditions that no longer remain. Doing so frees up energy for what is happening in the present.<\/p>\n\n
3. Seek out points of resonance within a new context. Rather than trying to recreate your former life, notice what resonates here and now, in this new environment\u2014whether it be a new acquaintance, an activity, a place, or a habit. Identity is built from living, present-day material, not from a copy of the past.<\/p>\n\n
4. Build yourself out of what you have now, rather than out of memories. A new identity is just as real as the old one, even if it appears more modest at the start. It is constructed from the decisions you make today, not from who you were in a different life.<\/p>\n\n
As you read through these points, try to notice your feelings and your reactions to what you are reading. What triggers anger or disagreement? What evokes sadness? Write to me about it\u2014I will help you work through these reactions.<\/h4>\n\u041d\u0430\u043f\u0438\u0441\u0430\u0442\u044c \u043c\u043d\u0435 \u0432 WhatsApp<\/a>\n\n
<\/div>\n\nWhen can you handle things on your own, and when should you turn to a specialist?<\/h2>\n\n
If the feeling of losing yourself persists for months rather than weeks, and is accompanied by constant anxiety, insomnia, or apathy, it may be time to seek help. If the primary experience is one of feeling down and losing interest in life, this could be “immigrant depression”\u2014a condition with its own distinct progression. If, on the other hand, the prevailing sentiment is “I am a nobody here,” this leans more toward “imposter syndrome” in the context of emigration.<\/p>\n\n
Frequently asked questions<\/h2>\n
\r\n\r\n \r\n\r\n How long does it take to rediscover oneself while living abroad?<\/span>\r\n <\/div>\r\n\r\n\r\nIt can take anywhere from a few months to a couple of years\u2014and this depends not on willpower, but on how many pillars of support vanished all at once, and whether there is systemic support available in your new environment, such as therapy, a social circle, or language proficiency. It also matters what kind of psychological baggage you brought with you into emigration.<\/p>\n <\/div>\r\n \r\n \r\n <\/div>\r\n
\r\n \r\n\r\n Is this the same thing as immigrant depression?<\/span>\r\n <\/div>\r\n\r\n\r\nLoss of identity relates to the question “Who am I?”, while depression involves a decline in energy and a loss of interest in everything. Although they often go hand in hand, they require different approaches. Losing one’s sense of self can be a cause of a depressive state.<\/p>\n <\/div>\r\n \r\n \r\n <\/div>\r\n
\r\n \r\n\r\n Is it necessary to have a perfect command of the new country\u2019s language in order to begin this process?<\/span>\r\n <\/div>\r\n\r\n\r\nIdentity can be restored in one\u2019s native language\u2014that is precisely why therapy in Ukrainian and Russian exists.<\/p>\n
<\/h4>\n <\/div>\r\n \r\n \r\n <\/div>\r\n
\r\n \r\n\r\n Where do you even begin when you don\u2019t even know what you\u2019re feeling?<\/span>\r\n <\/div>\r\n\r\n\r\nStart small. You need to identify a fact\u2014not a feeling\u2014regarding what exactly has changed over the past year. The feelings usually reveal themselves on their own after that.<\/p>\n
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<\/div>\n\nPsychotherapist for Ukrainians \u2013 what I work with<\/h3>\n\n
Natasha Kokhan (Vasilenko) is a certified Gestalt psychotherapist. She works online with Ukrainians and Russian speakers living abroad, wherever they may be in the world. She is based in the UK. Consultations are available in Ukrainian and Russian.<\/p>\n\n
When it comes to the theme of “rediscovering oneself while living abroad,” people most often reach out with the following:<\/p>\n\n
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- the feeling that you\u2019re not living your own life after moving<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- the inability to answer what you want when your familiar life has fallen apart<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- the feeling that you are functioning, but not living<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- the difficulty of connecting \u201cthe self there\u201d and \u201cthe self here\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- anxiety and insomnia against the backdrop of an uncertain future<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n<\/div>\n\n
Book your first consultation<\/h3>\n\n
The first session lasts 60 minutes. This is not “lifelong” therapy; rather, it is an opportunity to calmly examine what is happening and determine exactly what to focus on moving forward.<\/p>\n\n