{"id":101167594,"date":"2026-09-21T12:20:19","date_gmt":"2026-09-21T10:20:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/natashakohan.com\/self-confidence-and-visibility\/"},"modified":"2026-09-21T13:35:37","modified_gmt":"2026-09-21T11:35:37","slug":"self-confidence-and-visibility","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/natashakohan.com\/en\/self-confidence-and-visibility\/","title":{"rendered":"Self-confidence and visibility"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Self-confidence and visibility\u2014why does it all start with relationships? <\/p>\n\n

Picture someone who knows they are a skilled specialist, yet refuses to raise their rates. This could be anyone from a manicurist to an entrepreneur managing a team. Each is a true professional in their field, yet they struggle to increase their prices or publish that post that has been sitting in their drafts for a month. This is typically labeled as a lack of self-confidence. In an attempt to “boost” that confidence, they sign up for yet another training session or workshop and buy another course.<\/p>\n\n

In therapy, I see something different. Insecurity almost never resides within a single person; it lives between people. Self-confidence, too, is regained through relationships\u2014and with confidence comes an ease in expressing oneself.<\/p>\n\n

Confidence is not a character trait.<\/h3>\n\n

We tend to think that confidence is something you either have or you don\u2019t\u2014as if a person is born either self-confident or not. In reality, however, confidence is a matter of experience; it is built from thousands of small situations where we revealed ourselves to others and were seen by them. For instance, a child might bring home a drawing and be told “Well done,” or “Don’t show off,” or “Petya\u2019s is neater.” Sometimes, the drawing goes unnoticed altogether because the adults are simply too busy.<\/p>\n\n

A person draws a conclusion from such scenes. Sometimes it is: “It is safe to show myself; I will be seen.” Sometimes it is the opposite: “If I am noticed, I will feel shame, pain, or loneliness.”<\/p>\n\n

By adulthood, the original conclusion drawn back then has long been forgotten. What remains is that lump in the throat before a presentation\u2014a sensation one would rather not face. Self-doubt is inextricably linked to feelings and attitudes toward oneself that are deeply unpleasant to experience. That is precisely why we shy away from putting ourselves out there: to avoid the physical stiffness, tension, nausea, and so on. Self-doubt arises through our interactions with others, yet connecting with others also fosters a connection with oneself. <\/p>\n\n

You cannot simply train yourself to be confident in isolation. That is precisely why the longer you hide and avoid situations, the longer you remain insecure. But simply telling yourself\u2014”Well, just start putting yourself out there, let others see you, practice”\u2014isn’t enough. That\u2019s not how it works.<\/p>\n\n

What really lies behind the fear of putting yourself out there<\/h3>\n\n

When a client says, “I can’t put myself out there,” there is almost always another fear behind it\u2014a fear of what will happen to their relationships if they actually manage to do so:<\/p>\n\n